When the Nice Guy Is the Abuser
"I Would Never Lay a Hand on a Woman."
He says, “I know some men have a few drinks and knock their wives around. I would never lay a hand on a woman.”
With those words, he believes he establishes himself as a good man, a good husband, a good prospective date. But this narrow view of the kinds of men who abuse wives or significant others, the view that drums up visions of drunken bums wearing muscle shirts, lounging in front of televisions all day, and sipping beer, must be challenged.
Most abusers don’t fit the stereotype
In some cases, this stereotypical view can be true. But though it is not the norm in domestic violence cases, it persists as being so. Does substance abuse contribute to domestic violence and abuse? Absolutely. Should women in relationships with such men be shamed and blamed for being involved with them in the first place? Absolutely not.
And if these women ask for help, they deserve help.
But this article is not about substance abuse and its contribution to domestic violence. That is a separate issue—actually two separate issues that often merge. This article is about erasing a dangerous stereotype that destroys lives by keeping women and children under the influence of coercive controllers who may or may not have substance abuse issues, who live normal lives, and present as normal to everyone but their nuclear families.
Domestic violence isn’t always physical
There are many reasons women stay in horrific relationships and abusive marriages, and this is exacerbated when those they turn to for help—even police—refuse to help because they cannot picture the accused abuser as fitting the stereotype.
Can an abuser appear normal?
Abusers are very good at fooling people, even law enforcement. Just look at what happened when Utah police stopped Gabby Petito and her abusive boyfriend, Brian Laundrie, who murdered her just a few weeks later.
Why police miss domestic abuse
Laundrie, who was an articulate and apparently (at least to the police officers) likeable person—he was definitely not a stereotypical drunken bum—convinced deputies that Gabby was the abuser and dangerous one, despite the fact that they had stopped the van in the first place because it had been reported by eyewitnesses that Laundrie had assaulted Petito.
Eyewitnesses. Complete strangers who were concerned for Gabby’s safety because they had seen Laundrie physically strike her while the two were in the van.
During the police stop, Laundrie presented as relaxed, pleasant, and entirely in control, while Gabby was an emotional wreck—which is exactly what Laundrie wanted and worked in his favor. I write about this in my book about Christian response to domestic violence.
“Doesn’t that accurately sum up the various aspects of an abuser? Don’t abusers typically say one thing now and another later—tortuously keeping tension levels high? Don’t they seem to glory in keeping their victims confused and off-balance emotional wrecks? Indeed, doesn’t it seem to be a validating experience for them?” —Woman Submit! Christians and Domestic Violence
Whether abusers fit the stereotype or not, women are often shamed and blamed for being married to, or being in relationships, with such men, even by police and medical and mental health professionals. I know, because I experienced this from all three. I write about this in my book, as well.
A wife abuser on the FBI most wanted list
Mary Fisher was another victim of abuse who was married to a man who did not fit the “stereotype.” She was married to coercive controller who was respected in his community, and who led men’s groups in their church, a church that taught men to lead and women to follow—as most churches do.
Mary was active in her church, and, like her mother-in-law, who attended the same church, Mary was known a “Yes sir” wife.
On April 10, 2001, her husband, Robert William Fisher brutally murdered his wife and children and then disappeared. He was never seen again. Today, Robert Fisher remains on the FBI most wanted list.
Neither Brian Laundrie nor Robert Fisher fit the stereotype of the “man who has a few drinks and knocks his wife or girlfriend around.”
Most abusers do not fit this stereotype.
Jocelyn Andersen is an author, speaker, and content creator who combines theological inquiry, creative communication, and a strong desire to challenge beliefs she sees as inconsistent with the teachings of Jesus and Scripture.
She writes and speaks on a variety of topics including Bible Prophecy, God and Women, and Christian response to domestic violence. Her work has been featured in magazines, newspapers, radio, and television.
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