The Christian wife who experiences domestic violence

But won't leave

Her life is sometimes threatened by violence. She often endures horrific abuse, but she stays. What is a Christian response to that?

Dealing with this situation might be one the most difficult of all because those of us who do not stand in judgement of her, looking down our noses at her, are afraid for her. We feel helpless and sometimes positively frantic....

But we must respect her choice. 

Give her good and responsible counsel. Encourage her to think of her safety first. But in the end, if she chooses to stay, then we must respect that decision; and we must do it without succumbing to the hateful attitude of, "If I were her...!" 

We're not her. Most women are not in her shoes and never will be. What a blessing to be among that blessed number. But thousands of women, along with many more men than we imagine, live in homes where abuse is the norm.

Marital abuse, in all its ugly and dangerous forms, is unacceptable. But whether a wife chooses to stay due to her Christian faith or some other reason, such as the strongest reason—love, or the second strongest—fear, … fear of her abuser, fear of dying if she leaves (a legitimate fear), economic fears, fear of losing custody of her children, the list goes on, **we must not withdraw our love, friendship, respect, or support from them. 

** Space prohibits addressing related issues, such as child abuse or other violence associated with domestic violence. In my book, Woman Submit, I do deal with some of the related issues through the amazing artwork and poetry of survivor, Kathy Isler.

Women who were raised in (or who attend churches) where male governance is taught, are particularly vulnerable. They are the least likely to leave or confide in anyone. If they do, rest assured it is only because they feel desperate. But even if they do confide in someone, don't assume it is because they are ready to leave their marriages.

False teachings about male governance and God's displeasure with women who leave their husbands for any reason at all, has often been pounded into their psyches for years, sometimes their whole lives, and these wives are the least likely to take legal action against criminally abusive husbands or to leave abusive marriages. At the risk of their very lives, they will often stay. If they do leave, it is usually only temporary, with the goal of "fixing" things and working towards reconciliation, which their pastors usually encourage. 

These victims often have a high moral compass. They are devout Christians, faithful wives, the truest of friends. They may be successful career women and likely to be active in their churches or other ministry work. They are frequently respected for their intelligence, spiritual discernment, and giftings. It is time to ditch the negative and false stereotypes.

Because of strongly held beliefs due to false teaching about marriage and gender-roles these, often truly wonderful, women are caught between emotional and spiritual rocks and hard places. 

If they stay, at the very least their personal lives are ruined. If they are not severely injured or killed, they eventually lose most of their friends. Abuse and domestic violence are progressive. Over time, without successful intervention, the abuse becomes worse and worse, and most people —Christians are no exception—cannot handle the frustration of close friendship with someone who remains in an abusive marriage. Oxymoronically, this even includes those who agree that wives should remain in their marriages no matter what. 

So where does that leave Christian victims of DV?

Friends abandon them. Family may know of the abuse but wash their hands of the situation, or feel it is none of their business to interfere in a marriage. Christian wives often feel as if they have no one to turn to and no place to go. And that is often the case.

If they do leave, they often do so in violation their conscience. They feel they sin against God by doing so, because that is what has been pounded into their psyches. They do so against the advice of trusted spiritual leadership, who they are often not comfortable going to for help anyway—or perhaps they have already done so and been told to stay and pray. 

Who does that leave for them to turn to?

I can attest from painful personal experience, that my Jesus is an ever-present help in time of trouble. Being a Believer did not spare me from experiencing hellish abuse, but I cannot imagine having to go through those years without my Savior.

Jesus said, "In the world you will have troubles, but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world." And he showed up for me 100% of the time, and sometimes in the biggest of ways. I am only alive today because of his love, care, and supernatural intervention.

I know that many abusers misuse the Word of God to hurt their victims, but it was the Word of God that showed me it was not God's will that I tolerate abuse.

Not a single Christian ever told me that.

It was through reading my Bible (I read every day always picking up today where I left off yesterday) that my eyes were opened, and I saw that it was God's express and written will that I be free from all abuse. I write about that in my Scriptural Blueprint for Freedom (one of the chapters in my book).

But leaving for good was a process, and it took me a long time—eleven years—to become totally free (physically, emotionally, and spiritually) from abuse. I lost most of my friends during that process and was told once by my own mother (though she later apologized for it) not to call her about the abuse ever again. 

What to do when we are who **a victim turns to for help ... again, and again, and again? 

** Again, space prohibits discussing issues that sometimes accompany DV but are completely separate issues and need to be dealt with separately—sometimes need to be dealt with first, but rarely apply in the case of a devout Christian wife. Law enforcement needs so much education in this regard as well as pastors and Christians.

The first thing we do is not panic and start pressuring her to leave. It's Ok to ask if she is safe. It's Ok to ask if she wants to call the police, after all a crime has likely been committed. It's Ok to ask if she wants to leave. But if she is not ready to go, she is simply not going to do it, and we risk endangering her further by alienating her from a source of support if we press the issue. We don't want that. This would isolate her even more than her abuser has already succeeded in doing. Going forward, she will need our friendship and support more than ever.

A victim can be in church with us every Sunday and still feel alone and isolated because she trusts no one to understand or be a true friend to her. She may not be wrong. She has likely already experienced the disdain of family and lost many friends as she has struggled to navigate the awful minefield of marital abuse.  

A Christian victim living with an abuser, whether he is a professing Christian or not, is experiencing more than a physical or emotional battle; she is smack in the middle of a spiritual battle. The battle between good and evil. 

How to fight spiritual battles? **Spiritual warfare is fighting the GOOD Fight, and Believers have powerful weapons at our disposal. But they are not the weapons we would imagine. The Bible says the weapons of our warfare are not human weapons but spiritual weapons that are mighty through God to the pulling down of strongholds....

**Staying with an abuser is dangerous. I never recommend it. The good fight of spiritual warfare can be fought from a safe distance—there are no time or distance barriers with God. But be aware that it is not a scriptural expectation that God will change abusers against their will. He has never promised such a thing, and many a woman has died holding on to that false hope. One of the things I write about in my book is that we cannot change another person's behavior through prayer or anything else. God never promises that we can. Though many of us see many miraculous answers to prayer for our loved ones, in the end, the only person we have the power to change (through prayer or any other means) is ourselves. Dedicating our lives to changing another person is called co-dependence. There are support groups for that. But there is no scriptural command or promise or any other scriptural basis for such a goal as changing the behavior of autonomous adults. It all boils down to the personal choice of whether to continue living with the abuser or not.

Many, **mostly Christian, wives do not leave dangerous domestic situations because they are told by trusted leaders to stay and pray. I do not advocate for the stay and pray policy, but we cannot pretend that it does not exist and that many victims of abuse believe that is the will of God that they do so.

**This article does not address women of other religions and regions of the world who experience domestic violence and cannot leave

Whatever the reason, we cannot reject victims who do not leave. 

At this point, we have choices to make, and we do need to consider our own safety as well. The days are long gone when wife-beaters were only dangers to their wives and children. But even so, do we follow a strict policy of withdrawing our friendship and rejecting battered wives who refuse to leave their batterers? Though the manner in which our friendship and support is demonstrated may need to be adjusted according to individual situations (there is a reason DV shelters have extra layers of security to protect both victims and staff), the answer is **No, we do not withdraw our friendship and support. 

**Lots of qualifiers in this article, but this article does not address domestic violence situations where drugs or alcohol addiction in one or both parties are involved. Where devout Christian wives are concerned, if substance abuse plays a part in instances of domestic violence, it is usually the abuser and not the victim who has the substance abuse problem. Even so, advocates should be cautious in such situations and find safe ways to lend friendship and support to victims. Tragically, even in marriages where drugs or alcohol are involved in the violence, some pastors still encourage wives to remain in risky circumstances.

So, the Christian wife, for whatever reason chooses to stay and fight the good fight while living with a potentially dangerous husband. What do we do then?

We fight the good fight with her (whether from up close or from a safe distance), and we let her know we love her and are on her side, while still, whenever possible, encouraging her to think of her safety first. 

Prayer warriors know that in spiritual warfare, we seldom choose our battles. They simply present themselves. There are plenty out there. And I promise no one would choose this one. But when it comes to domestic violence, fighting the good fight, whether up from close or from a safe distance, whether we are victim or advocate, it is not a choice; we are already in it. It is part of the oldest war in history. It started in the garden. It comes from the pits of hell. And it manifested with the first husband, who wasted no time in fulfilling the awful prophecy that husbands would dominate wives. History has proven the accuracy of this prophecy, which was not a command. It was a heads-up. A warning, to both men and women. It's a warning to men not to commit the sin of dominating/ruling over their wives. And it's a warning to wives that most husbands will try, and some husbands will try by force.  

In one Christian denomination, a decades-old survey showed that one in six women [within that denomination] experienced at least one instance of marital violence during their lifetimes. Current statistics do not show that domestic violence is on the decline. In fact, it has been shown that the complementarian teaching of male governance contributes to wife abuse and violence against women. Boys and young men, who are raised in that paradigm, behave condescendingly and abusively towards girls at home, in schools, and in churches. They say they have dodged a bullet in not being born female. Male on female assault and battery is increasing on college campuses, with strongly held religious beliefs about gender-roles being a known contributing factor to the rise in violence against women by men of any age. 

And yet, girls and women are often the ones blamed for the abuse. 

Though most insights and advice in this article will be helpful for any person of any faith or even no faith, the article is mostly directed towards Believers, to Christian women and men, so, back to spiritual warfare and supporting victims of abuse who choose not to leave their abusers. Only Christians, with the help of the Holy Spirit and the Word of God can fight the GOOD fight.

If a battered or abused Christian wife confides in us, yet refuses to take legal action against her abuser, or to leave, then we must stand with her in spiritual warfare—prayer.

The Bible provides step-by-step instruction in this, and commands us to bear one another's burdens. Being careful of our own safety, we must not withdraw our love and friendship. We must not give abused sisters in the Lord the boot by kicking them out of our church fellowships (Yes. Some churches do this). Rather, we should earnestly pray for guidance in how to help bear the burdens of victims of domestic violence. Our Christian faith demands it.  

Again, I am not an advocate of the stay and pray philosophy. I always advocate for the safety of the victim first, and I always let victims know this. But I also advocate for respecting a Christian wife's decision. We cannot force or shame a wife into leaving an abusive husband. And just because a wife may turn to us for support, it may not be because she is ready, as yet, to leave her abuser. Maybe she never will be. We must be prepared for this eventuality. 

Leaving a spouse cannot be compared with walking away from a controlling or abusive friend or acquaintance, that in itself is difficult enough, ask anyone who has had to do it. But leaving a spouse is something altogether different. That bond—whether of fear or love—is strong, and the dynamics are unlike any other.

Having a spouse arrested cannot be compared with calling 911 on a prowler or stranger who threatens us. The emotional dynamics between husbands and wives simply cannot be compared with the emotional dynamics of any other relationship. And even though a victim is biblically free to leave, the pressures are strong to stay. The ties that bind are diverse and multi-faceted. The dynamics of abuse within the context of a Christian marriage are complex and convoluted at best.

Christians are called to be special people unto our God. And whether a believing wife leaves or stays in an abusive marriage, that is legitimately her decision. There are ways we can help her bear that heavy burden—and it is a very heavy burden indeed. We can do it while still giving sound advice (without harping), We can still respond to her need for love and friendship, along with non-judgmental support. We can show Christian love and genuine respect to someone who likely faces many more hard choices and who lives a very difficult life. We can do all this without placing conditions on our love and friendship. 

Jocelyn Andersen writes and speaks about a variety of topics with an emphasis on the subjects of domestic violence awareness and God and Women. She is working on her first novel and is the author of several non-fiction books including, "Woman Submit! Christians & Domestic Violence" and "Woman this is WAR! Gender, Slavery, and the Evangelical Caste System." Her work has been featured in magazines, newspapers, radio, and television. She is open to requests for writing assignments, anthology contributions, and conference speaker.

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